Enable Microsoft Update (not just Windows Update) for Windows 2008 R2

I am running Windows 2008 R2 in my Citrix XenApp 6.5 farm.

Office 2013 is installed.

I can't update Office via Windows Update. Why? Take a look at this ridiculous roundabout tautology it takes me through.

Here I am in the Windows Update panel:

If I click "Find out more" to get updates for other Microsoft Updates it takes me here:

Yeah, duh, I was just in there when I clicked the link to get to this site. What's the deal?

How does one enable all Microsoft Updates for a Windows 2008 server. I can do this in 2003 easily by going to the Microsoft Update website. 2008 however, this appears to be impossible and apparently no one else in the world has noticed this.